The Nine Stages of Loving Lily
by Akukama
Summary: Nine drabble-esque musings on the ways Snape's feelings toward Lily changed over her life. Canon-compliant.


((This started out as just me musing on Snape/Lily, but I thought I might as well type it up, put it on the internet, and get feedback, eh? In other news, I don't own Snape, Lily, or any of the rest of the HP world. Feel free to buy them for me as presents.))

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><p>1. Later on, he would never admit it, but he loved her before he knew she was a witch. She was radiant and angelic, dressed all in white, and seemed to Severus full of a magic that had nothing to do with wands and cauldrons. He followed her simply to look at her, to <em>figure her out<em>, as he could with other magic. And then she was floating from the arc of a swing, and she looked like some delicate exotic bird, and he was whispering, "Do it again, do it again." But she didn't. Not for a long time.

2. He gradually realized, as their friendship blossomed, that she was more than just loveliness and grace. She could keep up with his train of thought, read the books he read, and understand concepts after he'd explained them only once. When her parents weren't sure they approved of her new friend, she heatedly lectured them on hasty assumptions. She was observant, she was nearly as sarcastic as he was, and, by some miracle, she actually _liked_ him. He had nightmares about losing her.

3. There was a year and a half or so when he truly believed it would work out. Despite the fact that his new housemates disapproved of her, and hers of him, he was confident that they'd grow up and get married someday and have children (all daughters, and all looking just like Lily) and a house with secret passages and their own library.

4. He was thirteen when he first thought of her erotically. It thrilled him and grieved him – she was so pure and his thoughts weren't. Fantasizing about her felt irreverent, so he made a game of self-restraint: each time he saw her, he'd think of one thing he wanted to do and one thing only. It surprised him how often his desires were innocent – holding her, stroking her arm, or resting his head on her shoulder. It was only the physical things he dreamed of, because everything else was just how he wanted it. They spent every waking moment together, snuck into the Restricted Section, invented spells, debated ethics and politics, declared war on Potter and his gang, planned grand schemes to improve wizarding society, finished each other's sentences. He had nightmares about scaring her.

5. After the initial pain of Lily ending things faded and he realized she wasn't coming back, he started to let himself imagine her in ways he never had before. There was no longer a friendship to ruin, so he felt free to stare at her and think his impure thoughts. He dated a Slytherin girl who was interested in his growing influence, but there was no real attraction on either end. When he came of age, he took the Dark Mark. He wove daydreams where the Dark Lord took power and Severus used his influence to save Lily and she was so grateful and so impressed that she offered herself to him right then and there. By the time seventh year rolled around, he'd convinced himself that what he felt for her was nothing more than lust.

6. It all came crashing back the moment he heard she was going out with James Potter. He blazed with fury at the man, suspected Amortentia and Imperius, but never blamed Lily at all. He was certain Potter was only using her, showing her off like his Quidditch skills, and planning to break her heart. Images of Lily naively going to Potter's bed or crying after he betrayed her plagued him, and his daydreams grew more complex. He would save her from a cruel and abusive Potter or show her proof that Potter didn't care about her, and then everything would go back to how it had been before, except that this time, when they were hunched over a textbook together, pointing out errors and making snide comments, she'd reach over and comb her fingers through his hair and – But it was too late now, he knew. She was Potter's and he was the Dark Lord's and nothing could ever be the same. He had nightmares about finding her dead.

7. Eventually, though, his anger spread to Lily – for being so trusting, for not remembering what Potter was really like, for letting that prat touch her. He wanted to scream at her and make her see sense. His fantasies became rougher, and every time he imagined embracing her, a little voice hissed at him that _Potter_ didn't need to imagine, that _Potter_ was probably doing something like that right now. He entertained the thought of drugging her and hated himself for weeks. He lashed out at his friends and cursed people who looked too happy. He had nightmares about watching her with Potter.

8. The very last day before they all left school, he realized with a start that he was probably seeing Lily for the last time. She could charm her hair blue, she could learn to appreciate Quidditch, she could be brutally murdered by her sister, anything could happen to her and he'd never know – she hardly had a reason to keep in touch. Besides, the war was getting worse by the day; if she had any sense, she'd be leaving the country as soon as possible. His anger faded in the face of this new, bleak reality. He threw himself into serving the Dark Lord, and moved into a flat with Igor Karkaroff. He still had daydreams about Lily, but they were more flights of fancy than hopes, tender and not tied to any particular scenario. He told himself that she was happy, wherever she was. He had nightmares about hurting her.

9. He went to her funeral. There were those in attendance who were only prevented from trying to kill him by the solemnity of the event, but he didn't even notice. They'd cleaned her up and dressed her all in white, and she looked ethereal as the day he'd first seen her, but the angelic radiance was replaced by a ghostly pallor. He had nightmares about the truth.


End file.
